A common complaint parents have of teens have is that their teen quits talking to them. If we listen to what we talk about with our teen and the way we say it, it can offer clues that will guide us in keeping the door of communication open.
Too often a parent’s conversation with their teen focuses on chores that need to be done, schedules that need to be kept, hair that needs to be combed, and other topics that teens consider dull and monotonous or fault-finding. When Tore Hayden, an educational psychologist, asked several hundred teenagers what they really wished they could talk about with their parents, the teens identified eight issues.
- Family Matters. Teens want to be involved in the decisions that affect not only them (i.e. allowance, curfew) but also ones that affect the entire family (i.e., moving, vacations, money problems, job pressures, an impending divorce, a serious illness). They want to know about these things.
- Controversial or Taboo Issues. Teens are full of questions. Is it ever right to tell a lie? What does it feel like to be high on drugs? What does sex feel like? They want parents to talk with them about these subjects rather than telling them they are too young or it is too complicated to explain.
Emotional Issues. Teens would like to know how their parents really feel about things, and they would like them to tell them “I love you” more than most do.- The Big Whys. Why do people go to war? Why does God let people go hungry? Teens want parents to talk to them about the big whys.
- The Future. Teens want to talk about college and careers.
- Current Affairs. Teens are often more aware of current events than parents realize. When something happens in the world or their community, they want to talk about it.
- Personal Interests. Teens wish their parents would show more interest in them-their sports, their hobbies, and their friends.
- Parents as Teens. Teens want to know more about what their parents were like at their age. They really like to hear stories that reveal their parents’ emotional sides or human frailties.
How long has it been since you have engaged in one of these topics with your teen? Maybe you had not yet considered talking with your teen about these things. Let the topics come up naturally. Don’t be quick to give your advice or criticism. Both of these responses will break down communication between you.
Sometimes we are just so busy that we don’t take the time to reconnect with our teens. In this case, create times when you are available to talk with your teen. Stop by his or her room before bedtime to see how things are going. Remember to knock first before entering your teenager’s room. Don’t force communication.
Don’t get discouraged if your teen’s response is “I’m fine.” If you are just beginning to build communication skills or events have happened to break down communication, it can take time to build or rebuild trust. This is your opportunity to let your teen know that you are there for them, and you are committed to them unconditionally-even when you disagree or your relationship has become hurtful.
Letting your teen know you believe in them and you desire to talk with them will speak volumes to their heart and keep open the door of trust which is the foundation for a relationship to grow. By staying available and approachable, it will make it easier for your teen to learn when and how to come to you for help.
Submitted by Patti Faughn, family life educator for the University of Illinois Extension Office.
