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Grandma's House: Holiday Traditions - Traps or Treasures?

By Holly Schurter

With just the turn of a calendar page, you can find yourself in “The Land of Sacred Tradition,” otherwise known as the holidays.  Knowing how to navigate that territory can make the difference between a holiday season of joy and peace and one that leaves you with a headache all through January.

In “The Land of Sacred Tradition,” children – even grown ones with families of their own – are not allowed to change anything. Turning down an invitation to a family event is treasonous. Neglecting to use Aunt Sophie's turkey platter or failure to hang the Christmas tree ornaments your mother gave you last year is a blow, and you will need to make amends – somehow.

How does this happen?

Most families develop traditions – a favored way of doing things - especially around the holiday season. Traditions become important because they are meaningful to someone. Family traditions provide continuity, identity, and family fun, but they can also become heavily burdened with obligation and stuffiness. When someone wails, “But that's the way we've always done it,” it might be time to re-evaluate the tradition to be sure it's still meaningful, not just musty.

As the mom of grown children, I've learned some traditions are meaningful for a season. Others last a lifetime, and even beyond. For a tradition to have lasting value, it needs to have meaning to the people keeping it.  I've accepted the fact that some of the family traditions I cherish most don't mean all that much to my kids any more, and need to be let go!  One thing I'm comforted by is realizing that letting go of traditions that don't quite work anymore makes room for new, more meaningful activities and traditions in our lives.

Here are eight tips to help you navigate “The Land of Sacred Tradition” this holiday season:

l  Think about what's important to you about holiday observances and celebrations.

l  Talk with your husband and children about what matters most to them.

l  Identify traditions you'd like to change.

l  Acknowledge the effort and love that have gone into those traditions.

l  Show appropriate respect and appreciation for that effort.

l  If you are not going to participate in a holiday tradition, let the people involved know early and gently.

l  Explain but don't argue.

l  If not this, then what? If you aren't coming for Thanksgiving dinner this year, is there another time you can get together with your family?

Sometimes it's other members of your family who don't want to continue a tradition that still holds meaning for you. This can be just as difficult as being the one who breaks with tradition! In this case, here are some things to remember:

l  An invitation is not a command performance.

l  Breaking a tradition doesn't mean breaking the relationship.

l  If not this, then what? What new ways can you find to express joy, share the spirit of the season, and show love to one another?

Remember: your children are watching as you walk through “The Land of Sacred Tradition.”  Someday they will pattern their journey on yours. If you want them to treat you with respect and love then, you need to offer those things to your relatives now, even in the midst of difficult negotiations about who is doing what, when. 

Holly Schurter is married to John; they are parents of eight children and grandparents to nine, including three who live in the Springfield area. In addition to being a cookie baker, Holly is a freelance writer and maintains two blog sites: http://www.grandma-holly-on-board.blogspot.com and http://holly-notesfromhome.blogspot.com.
 

Find additional information on long-distance caregiving and grandparenting at www.aarp.org

Click on "Family, Home and Legal" which will lead you to caregiving and grandparenting.

You can also go to www.aarp.org/families and click on "grandparents" and "sharing."

More long-distance grandparenting tips at www.fambooks.com

www.raisingyourgrandchildren.com
www.grandparentsmagazine.net
www.grandparenting.typepad.com

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Illinois Department on Aging Senior HelpLine  1.800.252.8966

American Diabetes Association  1.800.342.2383

Northern Illinois  1.800.342.2383

Central Illinois  1.800.445.1667

Attorney General

Chicago  1.800.243.5377

Springfield   1.800.252.2518

Consumer Fraud Unit  1.800.386.5438

Circuit Breaker Information  1.800.624.2459

Depression Awareness 1.800.421.4211

Diabetes Telephone Library 1.800.847.7226

Senior Health Insurance Program 1.800.548.9034

Taxpayer Service 1.800.829.1040

Tax Forms 1.800.829.3676

S.I.U. School of Medicine 1.800.342.5748

Social Security 1.800.772.1213

St. John’s Hospital  217-544-6464

St. John’s Children’s Hospital 217-544-KIDS

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These simple suggestions have been developed by the Task Force on Grandparents Raising Grandchildren in Illinois to assist older adult caregivers in their efforts to provide quality care for their family’s children. The Task Force can be reached through the Illinois Department on Aging’s toll free Senior HelpLine, 1-800-252-8966

There is no specific age when children are ready to stay home alone because children mature at different rates. It is most important to know if your children feel comfortable being home alone and the level headedness to handle an emergency.

Some states have laws regulating the age at which children may be left home alone. You can find out what the law is where you live by calling the agency that oversees services for children and families.

Build up hours gradually by leaving you children briefly to run an errand or arranging to arrive home fifteen minutes later than usual from work. Ask your children if they felt comfortable and what they did with their time. Encourage them to tell you of any fears they may have no matter how trivial.

Prepare your child to be ready for emergency situations. Go over the following together:

1. Their full name, address and phone number

2. Your full name and the address and phone number of your job

3. The name and phone number of your designated backup person

4. The phone number for emergency services

5. Not to enter your home if a door or window is open or broken

6. What to do if someone knocks on the door

7. The location of a flashlight in good working order if the power should fail

8. How to exit your home quickly in case of a fire

9. The safety rules and routines of your home

10. Review basic first aid procedures and put together a first aid kit

Consider your child’s maturity level and their ability to handle a variety of situations. If you answer “yes” to most of the following questions, this may indicate you child is ready to stay alone.

Has he/she handled brief periods of being left alone well?

Will he/she come straight home after school?

Will he/she be lonely or frightened by himself/herself?

Can he/she manage simple jobs like fixing a snack and taking phone messages?

Is he/she physically able to unlock and lock the doors at home?

Can he/she solve small problems himself/herself?

Does he/she know when and how to seek outside help?

Is he/she prepared to handle and accident or an emergency?

Will he/she follow the rules set for him/her and use his/her time productively?

Steps you can take to ease your worries and help protect your child while you’re not around.

Sit down with him/her and go over the rules of our home including what to do if a stranger comes to the door or if friends want to come over.

Decide together what kinds of snacks are allowed and how much.

Decide what things are “off limits” until a parent gets home, and how time will be spent.

For More Information Call: Illinois Department on Aging’s Senior HelpLine 1-800-252-8966

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For great resources and links go to www.focusas.com and click on Illinois

Another great website www.raisingyourgrandchildren.com

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